It isn’t very deep or groundbreaking, but I’ve given this out as a gift a few times and I’m glad I have a copy around. I also hate self-help and pop psych, so I’m extremely choosy about it.
What I've been gradually realizing with respect to guilt over "but most other humans have it clearly worse than I" is that it can't be about absolute standards, especially not simply material standards. If going by those metrics, then yes, we as non-impoverished developed country denizens in the 21st century are remarkably affluent and even privileged.
However, the human brain fundamentally works from relative standards, based both on what we observe immediately around us and perhaps most importantly, relative to what we were accustomed to earlier in life.
If there's a substantial downshift in circumstances e.g. deaths of multiple close loved ones in short order, or burnout, or divorce, et al. then there's a big delta between what you knew for the longest time versus now. That's what really matters in the end, as far as "permission" to acknowledge that we're struggling is concerned. On a purely neurological level, the amount of anxiety/suffering/depression etc. really can be identical to what's experienced by a mom in eastern Ukraine fearing for the safety of her family, or the child in rural Ethiopia who has no idea where dinner will come from or it will be a thing at all, or the guy who had his entire family slaughtered in a shooting.
In terms of getting help, better late than never. This was a timely post for me as well, so thank you for breaking out of your shell and sharing.
Thank you for sharing this Jesse. I've been there and am still there. I lost my Dad when I was 20 and my Mom when I was 28, both to cancer. My belief is that grief is a lot like a mortgage, the first few years you're really just paying interest then you gradually start working on the principal. Those first few holiday seasons are just the worst. For me the grief resurfaced later during challenging times (divorce) and happy times (finishing graduate school). COVID also sucked. That's what finally got me to address my mental health. I went to my therapist and described my symptoms (intrusive thoughts, existential rumination, and the accompanying actions) and was diagnosed with OCD. I really thought I was broken but the more I researched and worked on these things (psychiatrist, ERP therapy, meditation, cold plunge, diet/exercise tweaks) I came to realize that the goal wasn't to feel numb to symptoms, the whole purpose of the journey was to be able to experience joy with fewer anxious intrusions. Would love to chat any time you need someone to commiserate with or swap tips (Brain Energy from Christopher M. Palmer is my latest read and I'm experimenting with some of the ideas in the book). Anyways- thanks for this piece.
Thank you Jesse. I suffered through my daughter’s disability from her mismanaged birth and brain damage which of course lead to her becoming medically fragile and then suddenly dying in the night when she was 16. My mother almost died from pneumonia the following week from her fragility and grief at losing her beloved granddaughter and for the next 5 years she sunk into a grueling dementia and died in 2016.
We have all been suffering with our existential grief and trauma and your post means everything to all of us out here.
On the flipside, I have been frantically attempting to prepare myself for when my father's dementia worsens and I believe it's making my personal mental health worse. Talking to my husband about it on a daily basis, calling my mom at all hours of the day to "check up" on how Dad is doing, reading books about it. I even resorted to making a long, dismal post on Reddit about it. So I think you can "over-prepare" yourself for bad things, and at some point you must accept you're just going to have to roll with the punches. I think the most important thing, and what you mentioned did not happen to you until six months after your mother's death, is to sit with your pain and feel it. As the tired aphorism goes, the only way out is through.
I love that you dove into some vulnerability here. It's never too late, and it's always the right time, which is what therapy (or yoga, or mediation) is supposed to teach us: be here now.
I can't help but notice that several times in the piece you distanced yourself from medication (you wouldn't have been a candidate for it, or it's not something you need). There's no weakness in needing medication, or choosing to take it. Yes, it's a pharmaceutical wet dream to get us all hooked on pills, and also, yes, it helps you feel better, until you can do it on your own. You don't have to muscle through depression.
Just adding to the chorus, to say that I also needed this post. Today, I'm in one of the roughest headspaces I've experienced in a while, for both many reasons and none at all. Anyway, thanks, Jesse. I really appreciated reading this.
Really needed this post Jesse. As someone who's also experiencing the tightening walls of adulthood without the resilience from my previous youthful naivety, reality feels jarring and painful at times.
Glad you are on the pathway to finding a peaceful coexistence with the slumps. I wish you godspeed and together, lets build some walls in 2023!
Thanks for your honesty. I'm an old person, but you are at a time in your life to address these issues. Both my adult children have had serious mental health challenges which they address with therapy and meditation. It takes courage and commitment and I know you have these.
Anything else I could say would be almost too personal but one thing I’ll say is that you didn’t make any mistakes or anything by not knowing what the future would bring before it came. Inch toward daylight and even though I’m sure it feels impossible right now eventually you’ll be back under the light soon enough.
This is great, Jesse. Thanks for sharing. It normalizes our hedge monsters, or, in my case, sea monkeys. I wonder how many other names there are out there for them. Take care.
Just want to say say good luck man! Really appreciate your writing / podcasts and hope 2023 will be one much better for you in retrospect when 2024 comes around.
Thanks Jesse. This was the post I needed today. I have been dealing with some anxiety/insomnia/depression for a while that really has flared up in a bad way over the last few weeks, and I think I needed this push from you to take action. You're right, sometimes mental health doesn't get better, it can fester. So it really pays to make hay while the sun shines.
Jesse - Please understand that this comes from a place of caring as a result of a parasocial relationship. I only know you from your writing and podcast, and you sure as shit don’t know me. That said, I’m not being glib or insincere when I say this: I think you should take some acid.
This might be a moot point because all of your friends are normies, and this is definitely something you want to do in a supportive environment. But when you wrote “I’ve just devoted far too much mental energy to, for example, being terrified at the sheer size of the universe and our insignificance within it”, it’s immediately what i thought of. Hallucinogens are especially good at grappling with the enormity of the universe, and our place within it.
Have you watched the Michael Pollan series on Netflix (How to Change Your Mind)? I highly recommend it, if you haven’t seen it yet. The more research is permitted into the study of psychedelics, the more promising they look in helping with particular mental illnesses.
Anyway, I'll step off my soapbox now. Thanks, as always, for your writing.
It isn’t very deep or groundbreaking, but I’ve given this out as a gift a few times and I’m glad I have a copy around. I also hate self-help and pop psych, so I’m extremely choosy about it.
Managing Your Mind: The Mental Fitness Guide https://a.co/d/ehQ81gI
What I've been gradually realizing with respect to guilt over "but most other humans have it clearly worse than I" is that it can't be about absolute standards, especially not simply material standards. If going by those metrics, then yes, we as non-impoverished developed country denizens in the 21st century are remarkably affluent and even privileged.
However, the human brain fundamentally works from relative standards, based both on what we observe immediately around us and perhaps most importantly, relative to what we were accustomed to earlier in life.
If there's a substantial downshift in circumstances e.g. deaths of multiple close loved ones in short order, or burnout, or divorce, et al. then there's a big delta between what you knew for the longest time versus now. That's what really matters in the end, as far as "permission" to acknowledge that we're struggling is concerned. On a purely neurological level, the amount of anxiety/suffering/depression etc. really can be identical to what's experienced by a mom in eastern Ukraine fearing for the safety of her family, or the child in rural Ethiopia who has no idea where dinner will come from or it will be a thing at all, or the guy who had his entire family slaughtered in a shooting.
In terms of getting help, better late than never. This was a timely post for me as well, so thank you for breaking out of your shell and sharing.
Thank you for sharing this Jesse. I've been there and am still there. I lost my Dad when I was 20 and my Mom when I was 28, both to cancer. My belief is that grief is a lot like a mortgage, the first few years you're really just paying interest then you gradually start working on the principal. Those first few holiday seasons are just the worst. For me the grief resurfaced later during challenging times (divorce) and happy times (finishing graduate school). COVID also sucked. That's what finally got me to address my mental health. I went to my therapist and described my symptoms (intrusive thoughts, existential rumination, and the accompanying actions) and was diagnosed with OCD. I really thought I was broken but the more I researched and worked on these things (psychiatrist, ERP therapy, meditation, cold plunge, diet/exercise tweaks) I came to realize that the goal wasn't to feel numb to symptoms, the whole purpose of the journey was to be able to experience joy with fewer anxious intrusions. Would love to chat any time you need someone to commiserate with or swap tips (Brain Energy from Christopher M. Palmer is my latest read and I'm experimenting with some of the ideas in the book). Anyways- thanks for this piece.
Probably your most relatable post ever. Good stuff as usual, and wishing you best of luck this year.
Thank you Jesse. I suffered through my daughter’s disability from her mismanaged birth and brain damage which of course lead to her becoming medically fragile and then suddenly dying in the night when she was 16. My mother almost died from pneumonia the following week from her fragility and grief at losing her beloved granddaughter and for the next 5 years she sunk into a grueling dementia and died in 2016.
We have all been suffering with our existential grief and trauma and your post means everything to all of us out here.
Thank you.
On the flipside, I have been frantically attempting to prepare myself for when my father's dementia worsens and I believe it's making my personal mental health worse. Talking to my husband about it on a daily basis, calling my mom at all hours of the day to "check up" on how Dad is doing, reading books about it. I even resorted to making a long, dismal post on Reddit about it. So I think you can "over-prepare" yourself for bad things, and at some point you must accept you're just going to have to roll with the punches. I think the most important thing, and what you mentioned did not happen to you until six months after your mother's death, is to sit with your pain and feel it. As the tired aphorism goes, the only way out is through.
I love that you dove into some vulnerability here. It's never too late, and it's always the right time, which is what therapy (or yoga, or mediation) is supposed to teach us: be here now.
I can't help but notice that several times in the piece you distanced yourself from medication (you wouldn't have been a candidate for it, or it's not something you need). There's no weakness in needing medication, or choosing to take it. Yes, it's a pharmaceutical wet dream to get us all hooked on pills, and also, yes, it helps you feel better, until you can do it on your own. You don't have to muscle through depression.
Great piece, Jesse.
Just adding to the chorus, to say that I also needed this post. Today, I'm in one of the roughest headspaces I've experienced in a while, for both many reasons and none at all. Anyway, thanks, Jesse. I really appreciated reading this.
Really needed this post Jesse. As someone who's also experiencing the tightening walls of adulthood without the resilience from my previous youthful naivety, reality feels jarring and painful at times.
Glad you are on the pathway to finding a peaceful coexistence with the slumps. I wish you godspeed and together, lets build some walls in 2023!
Thank you for sharing
Thanks for your honesty. I'm an old person, but you are at a time in your life to address these issues. Both my adult children have had serious mental health challenges which they address with therapy and meditation. It takes courage and commitment and I know you have these.
Hang in there, man.
Anything else I could say would be almost too personal but one thing I’ll say is that you didn’t make any mistakes or anything by not knowing what the future would bring before it came. Inch toward daylight and even though I’m sure it feels impossible right now eventually you’ll be back under the light soon enough.
This is great, Jesse. Thanks for sharing. It normalizes our hedge monsters, or, in my case, sea monkeys. I wonder how many other names there are out there for them. Take care.
Just want to say say good luck man! Really appreciate your writing / podcasts and hope 2023 will be one much better for you in retrospect when 2024 comes around.
Thanks Jesse. This was the post I needed today. I have been dealing with some anxiety/insomnia/depression for a while that really has flared up in a bad way over the last few weeks, and I think I needed this push from you to take action. You're right, sometimes mental health doesn't get better, it can fester. So it really pays to make hay while the sun shines.
Jesse - Please understand that this comes from a place of caring as a result of a parasocial relationship. I only know you from your writing and podcast, and you sure as shit don’t know me. That said, I’m not being glib or insincere when I say this: I think you should take some acid.
This might be a moot point because all of your friends are normies, and this is definitely something you want to do in a supportive environment. But when you wrote “I’ve just devoted far too much mental energy to, for example, being terrified at the sheer size of the universe and our insignificance within it”, it’s immediately what i thought of. Hallucinogens are especially good at grappling with the enormity of the universe, and our place within it.
Have you watched the Michael Pollan series on Netflix (How to Change Your Mind)? I highly recommend it, if you haven’t seen it yet. The more research is permitted into the study of psychedelics, the more promising they look in helping with particular mental illnesses.
Anyway, I'll step off my soapbox now. Thanks, as always, for your writing.