Temporary Celibacy As Avoidance
Things are complicated and awkward in the middle, so people rush to one pole or the other, especially when they’re young
I’m ramping up interviews for my book, and during a couple of them I’ve encountered an interesting, sad dynamic that I expect will come up repeatedly in future interviews as well.
In both instances, I was speaking with a mom whose relationship with her natal-female teenage or young adult child had been fractured over gender identity. As the moms told it, their kids said they wanted to transition socially or medically, but they (the moms) weren’t sure it was the right idea (both stories had unfurled over the course of years, with the kids wanting different things at different times). Neither of the moms responded with a flat “no,” let alone in an abusive or cruel manner, to their childrens’ requests. But they did say they wanted to have a conversation so as to better understand what was going on. From their points of view this sort of open communication was important both to understand their kids’ distress and to help them figure out the best ways to alleviate it.
The kids really didn’t want to talk. They responded in what can only be described as an aggressively avoidant manner. The idea that this process might require communication with their parents, mutual trust, and, potentially, negotiation rather than one party simply informing the other about the new arrangement did not sit well with them. Both kids threatened to cut off their moms entirely and to varying extents did just that at various points, and both moms independently highlighted that same aspect of this terrible situation: their kids just could not talk about what they were feeling. It was diktats only. (If you or someone you know has had a similar experience, I’d love to hear from you, and anonymity is fine if necessary.)
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